I started writing this in July 2022. I’ve come back to it because it is the holidays, and my mom loved the holidays as a time for family to be together. I’m guessing that’s why thoughts of mom resurfaced the last couple of weeks, and it might have something to do with why I haven’t had much or any energy to decorate for the holidays in recent years.

My mom passed away on June 11, 2022. She had an aneurysm rupture while shopping at Menards, a home improvement store, on Memorial Day. She was rushed to a hospital and given a chance, but she never regained consciousness. She was only 61.

I assumed the call I got from my sister was about dad. He has Multiple Sclerosis. He was diagnosed sometime in the early 2000s. I can’t imagine what it has been like for him living with that diagnosis and dealing with the dread and unknown about the road ahead. He can’t really walk, and needs daily assistance with getting dressed, going to the bathroom, and just about all of the everyday things most of us take for granted. My mom was caring for him at home and doing an incredible job pretty much on her own. We were unbelievably fortunate that he was an assisted living facility when my mom’s aneurysm ruptured, recovering from a bout with Covid. It was a really shitty situation, but I also think about how much worse it could have been. What would have happened if my parents had both been at home when her aneurysm ruptured? She got the best possible chance to survive being in a public place, and my dad had people to take care of him.

I can’t remember the last time I talked to my mom before she passed, but it had been years. I was estranged from her. I had a couple of years of holidays without mom before… the holidays are really without mom. And because of my dad’s dependence on mom, I was effectively estranged from my dad. That made the time after her passing unbelievably complicated. Grieving was is complicated. Having dad as a dependent without notice was complicated. In my first interaction with my dad in years, my sister and I had to share with him that mom had an accident and we were hopeful, but she might not come back (my sister took the lead on that conversation and I’m incredibly grateful to her for that). 

I’ve started this blog for a couple of reasons.  The first is for my own grieving and processing, but I don’t want a pity party. I want to share aspects of my family’s story that I hope others can relate to, and perhaps learn from. And who knows, maybe this can turn into a place to advocate for solutions to some of the challenges I faced as I navigated this. Did you know that Social Security doesn’t recognize a Power of Attorney? So an agent of the government told me a document I had that is recognized by law was meaningless to act on my parent’s behalf. I have thoughts.

If you are a parent, please make sure you have a will, a power of attorney, and someone who has a complete view of your affairs – a sibling, friend, child, financial advisor… just someone. My parents had wills and power of attorney documents. But putting together their financial picture took months and turned me into an amateur forensic accountant. They had multiple financial advisors, none of whom had the full picture. Their assets were scattered around, and my mom did a lot of things on paper, so my siblings and I sorted through dozens of boxes to start piecing everything together. In the weirdest stroke of luck in my life I was laid off around the same time my mom passed. My time had run its course at the company I worked for. I was relieved to get the news, and my severance gave me the financial security to take 5 months off work to sort everything out.

If you don’t have your affairs in order, consider making an awkward holiday gift to your loved ones. I promise it will end up being the gift that matters most when the time comes that none of us enjoy contemplating.

Wow did this feel good to finally get down.